Remembering Sadie
by thesecondstar
Summary: Why is light given to those in misery, and life to the bitter of soul? What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil. NaNoWriMo 2009, Inspired by Grey's. M for language.


**A/N I know this might piss some people off, so sorry for the inconvenience. This is not about Grey's Anatomy, but It is greatly inspired by the show, (although I will make some referances to it!) as well as many of Sarah Dessen's books. This is a story for NaNoWriMo which started today, actually, and this is what I have so far. I'm really not one for writing stories/novels most of the time but I figured I would give it a try. Please leave a review and tell me what you think. I'll be able to revise everything in the beginning of december! xD If I stay on track, there should be 50,000 words by the end of novemeber. I'm not saying that thsi will end at 50,000 words, because it could be longer, and i'm not saying i'll update every day, even though I will be writing. Things may get a little rambly/weird at some parts during the novel. Strange things happen to people who try to write 50,000 words a month. (1,667 words per day, so I'm already past my mark at 2,916! whoot!) Oh, and the quote at the top of the different sections in italics is from the Book of Job 3:20-26. Happy Reading!**

**[/rambling]**

_Why is light given to those in misery, and life to the bitter of soul, to those who long for death that does not come, who search for it more than for hidden treasure, who are filled with gladness and rejoice when they reach the grave? _

The first thing I heard were the voices, sorrowful, angry, and thankful all the same. I could not recognize them, or tell you what they had said if you were to ask. All I heard was noise, fuzzy, and undistinguishable. The voices faded as quickly as they came, only to be replaced by a slow, steady beeping. My eyes fluttered, ever so slightly. I heard more of the voices in the room. The sorrow in them left, replaced with happiness. Eyes fluttering again, I then realized the pain shoot through my body._ It hurts! _My mind screamed at me, and the intensity of the aching pain caused my head to throb. _It hurts, it hurts!_ The beeping that I had heard before were no longer steady, soothing. Instead, they were now erratic, and fast. The beeping screamed in my ears, the pain intensified, and the voices, no longer happy, failed to reach my ears. _It hurts, It hurts! _There was bustling around the room, that I much I could tell. I wanted my mother, in that very moment. I wanted her to hold my hand, and tell me everything was going to be okay. To take the pain, the burning fire, that had spread through my whole body away.

And then before I knew it, it was fading. All the busting stopped momentarily. There was a sudden burst of pain, again, and my head throbbed even worse than it had before. I head an utter wail of sorrow, and the commotion start again, but even worse this time, and the beeping no longer, well, beeped. Instead, it screeched a horrible noise that I couldn't even feel myself react too. I felt the darkness wash over me, pulling me in, and taking me under, as an utter sense of calmness and piece washed over me. And all was quiet. Is this was death felt like?

_Why is life given to man whose way is hidden, whom God has hedged in?_

There was an eerie silence hanging over the room, and even with my eyes closed and my mind all fuzzy, even I could tell. My body ached as I shifted, groaning as I felt the pain shoot all through my body. It wasn't immense, but it still hurt. My head throbbed, and my eyes fluttered ever so slightly. I was tempted to stay there, not moving forever, as my body willed me, pleaded with me, not to get up, not to open my eyes, not to _move._ I knew I had to, though. Slowly, my eyes opened, as a bright, blinding white light filled my vision. As my eyes adjusted to the brightness of the room, I glanced around, taking in my surroundings. There was a machine next to me, with what looked to be cords dangling from it. I tried to focus my vision, still fuzzy, and I noticed they weren't dangling. They were attached to _me._

My eyes widened, looking around the room once more. Hospital? Was my first thought. There were IVs in my arms, and I was dressed in a hospital gown_. It has to be. Why?_ My eyebrows knitted together in confusion, as I tried to piece together what had happened. Why was I here? "Elena?" My eyes shifted to the doorway, where my mother stood. I opened my mouth, only to be shushed by her. "Don't try to talk, sweetie," As the older woman rushed to my side, one hand grasping mine while the other petted my head. I heard as She called for a nurse, and I felt my eyes beginning to droop down. By the time the last of her words left her mouth, I was asleep again.

_For sighing comes to me instead of food; my groans pour out like water._

Had I known that when I opened my eyes again I would be poked and prodded for answers, I surely would have stayed asleep, or at least tried too. "Elena," Came the soft voice of my mother again, her hand still resting in mine. Knowing her, she had stayed there the whole entire time, wondering, worrying when she should be on her trip. Guilt flooded my veins, in realization of what must have happened. Elizabeth Sawyer had been planning a trip to Europe practically the whole later part of her life, and now, whatever I did to land myself in the hospital, took that away from her. I rolled my head to the side, looking up at her. The woman smiled, with what seemed to be relief as her eyes filled with tears. Ones that I sincerely hoped were joyful.

I went to talk, but my throat was so dry and scratchy that no sound came out. One of the nurses in the room, obviously sensing my problem, handed over a small cup of water. "Thank You," I mouthed to him, to which I received small nod. I took a sip, gratefully, thankfully, and set the cup back down. My vision hazed ever so slightly as my head throbbed. My thought were so jumbled I could barely think, let alone remember what had happened. What had happened? I sighed, looking around the room once more. "What-" My voice was hoarse, and it was difficult to speak, but I had to know, I had to try. Clearing my throat, I tried again. "What happened?" _To me._ The unspoken question filled the room. The doctor looked at my mother, if to ask her a silent question. There seemed to be a lot of those going around. My mother looked at me, her happiness gone, replaced with a sorrowful look. Her eyes fell to her hands, seemingly finding a great interest in them. After what seemed like hours, My mother let out a shaky breath and grasped my hand again. "Let's see what the doctor had to say, first."

_What I feared has come upon me,_

The room was almost empty now, save the doctor, my mother, a nurse, and all the flowers and get well wishes that had been sent to my room. What happened to me? Out of all the thoughts that had flooded through my head since the moment I started to wake up, that was the one I needed to know. That was the one I wanted answered. "Now," The doctor, or neurologist, whatever he was, said. "Can you tell me your name?" I sighed. It was a stupid question, but I knew it had to be asked. It was his job after all, wasn't it? "Elena-Marie Marcelline Sawyer." Dr. Kneudson nodded, asking me a series of other questions like, 'what's your birthday?' 'can you tell me what day it is?' I got the last one wrong, though. Apparently, I was unconscious for three days before I started waking up. And then I died.

I had been in shock first, as it was explained to me. I had died. I had been physically, mentally, and medically dead for thirteen minutes and twenty nine seconds before they were able to bring me back. I had gaped. "So," I dragged out the word, "Was that when I woke up and was hurting a lot?" Turns out it was. People lie all the time, that I knew, but I always figured the saying 'Don't go towards the light,' meant there would be a bright, white light there at the end of a tunnel as I waited to die. It was the complete opposite. It had been a serene wave of darkness that had washed over, pulling me down, welcoming me into its open arm, and I had been all but happy to accept. Anything that would take the unbearable pain away.

Dr. Kneudson's next question had broken my train of though. "Elena?" I heard his voice call. "I'm going to have to ask you this, and it may be difficult to remember, but I need you to try, okay?" I nodded, not knowing what else I could do. "Elena, can you tell me what happened to you three days ago?" My head snapped up, eyes wide. He couldn't honestly expect me to know, could he? "No." I said. It was firm in my head, but I knew the second I said it, it was shaky, wavering. "No," I repeated, "I don't remember a thing, and no one here will tell _why_ I'm here. So no, I can't tell you what happened because I have no fucking idea." My voice was snippy, and I felt somewhat sorry after the words left my mouth, guilt flooding back into my veins. I brought my hands to my head, trying to ease the growing headache my loss of calmness had caused.

"Elena." Dr. Kneudson's voice was soft, something I really did not expect after I had just harshly snapped at him. "Elena, try." So I did.

_What I dreaded has happened to me._

December 9, 2009

It really hadn't been much of a party, but I really hadn't expected it to be anyways. Sadie said that not many people were going. I had to admit that I felt a little lost without my best friend there, but I made it work, and apparently I didn't look lost. I groaned as I saw the flock of girls, the ones who always followed Sadie around, listening to her every word like it was the Bible. "Elena!" One of the girls, Becca, I think her name was, called to me, waving frantically and overly excited. "Oh my gawd, Isn't this party ah-mazing?" She asked, her annoying voice filling my ears as the other two girls, Briget and Bethany, came up behind her, each looking behind me, no doubt looking for Sadie. "Yeah, totally," I said dryly. Bethany beamed as Briget sniggered. I smiled at Briget, as she obviously caught my sarcasm. She had been one of the only ones I could stand in the group, one of the ones who seemed to actually have a life other than following the one of the most popular girl's in school around like a lost puppy. "Where's Sadie?" Bethany asked, her voice disappointed as she continued to look around. "At home with Josh," I replied, the same time as Becca looked at the other girl stupidly. "Beth-any, are you stupid or something? Sadie's totally preg-go, being around all this shit could hurt the baby, duh." I placed my hand up to my mouth, stifling a giggle. I caught Briget's eye as she seemed to do the same. "I was just leaving," I said to them. Becca and Bethany put on a fake pout, "Aw, why? We so wanted you to stay, El-ena," One of the two cooed. "Sorry to disappoint, meeting up with Sadie and Josh soon." The girl's faces brightened up, obviously awaiting an invitation. "Best be off," Now, I said, digging for me keys. I was given a 'hug' by each girl as I felt. Honestly, I had no idea how Sadie put up with them every day. I knew it annoyed the hell out of my when Sadie wasn't there and the followed me around.

The car ride hadn't been as long as I expected, and I pulled up to Sadie's just a few minutes late. "Sadie, Josh?" I called, walking into the house. "In here!" I followed the voice to my friend's room, where she lay on her bed, very pregnant belly facing the ceiling. "Josh is in the bathroom." I nodded, Sitting down on the edge of the bed. "I was attacked by your groupies on the way out." Sadie laughed loudly, "I feel so terrible for you." Josh emerged from the bathroom a few seconds later. I looked over to Sadie's boyfriend and smiled. "Hey." I said, earning a 'hey' in return. Josh was enough to make any girl swoon, and it was no wonder Sadie loved him like she did. Josh had gone to our middle school for years, but left sometime around seventh grade. Everyone had said he moved to Florida. The two of us shrugged it off. We hadn't known him very well, and as mean as it sounded, didn't really care that he was gone. But Josh came back sophomore year of high school, taller, blonde hair, and hot as ever. I had known from the minute Sadie laid eyes on him she would be on a mission to make him hers. And she had. And now, senior year of high school the two had been dating for two years, and were expecting a baby.

The baby, or bean, and I called it, was an accident, but Sadie loved it now all the same. It was a terrifying feeling, sitting next to your best friend as the moment that could change her life forever approached. Sadie had been so scared to tell Josh, she was sure he would leave her. But he didn't. It had taken her months to tell him, and in those month's I had been the one to drive her to the abortion clinic three times. But she couldn't do it. Not that I blamed her. I would have chickened out after the first time we put our feat on the steps. And now we were here. I smiled, looking over at Sadie. Her due date was in just a few days, so we were doing everything to keep her and the baby safe.

"Guys." My redheaded friend's voice filled the air, a small smile played at her lips. "Can we go get some Coldstone?" Josh and I just looked at each other. Smiling, we made our way towards the car, me and Sadie in the back, Josh driving. Out conversations were pointless, random, but fun. The three of us together was always fun, and we were always laughing. "So," I thought as the light turned green and Josh started to move forward, "You guys have any names yet?" Sadie laughed, and exchanged a smile with Josh, "Well," Her words were dragged out, "If it's a girl, we decide on Sadie," I laughed loudly, "Narcissistic much?" Sadie slapped my arm, "No!" She exclaimed loudly, jokingly. "Sadie's a name that's been in both our family's for a long time," Josh explained, I could practically hear the smile in his voice. "Full name?" I asked curiously. My redheaded friend smiled slyly. "Sadie Marcelline Bell."

I would have smiled, thanked her, and hugged the two of them, but my mouth opened up in shock. The words died on my lips, and my eyes widened in horror as a set of headlights came towards us. I felt a sudden impact, my body being thrown around, and then nothing as the darkness over took me.

_I have no peace, no quietness;_

The piercing sound of a horn filled my ears. My eyes cracked open only to see darkness. again. I coughed and groaned as I moved my position, pain shooting through me with every move. My eyes adjusted as I looked around. Blood. I saw red, red, blood, and that was all I could see. I looked down at my hands, they were covered in it. I looked around, to see a semi-conscious Sadie, while Josh was nowhere to be seen. "Sa-" My voice faded, "Sa- Sadie," My voice cracked as my eyes dropped and my head lowered to the ground, darkness over coming me once more.

_I have no rest,_

The siren's call wailed as it joined the sound of the horn which had yet to die down. I couldn't move. My head swam and my body itched to move. It itched to get up and walk around, just as my mind itched to know what happened, and if Josh and Sadie were okay. If the baby was okay. I coughed, trying to get air. _Please,_ the thought filled my head as darkness came for the third time, _be okay._

Present Day

My eyes filled with tears as I brought my hand to my gaping mouth. "Oh-" I choked as my voice failed to make any sound. "Oh My God." I gasped for air, feeling all the oxygen leave me with a whoosh. I sobbed as I realized what had happened to me, to my friends, and the unborn baby. My friends, I realized, my eyes snapping up, the baby. "S-Sadie, Josh," stuttered, looking between my mother and the doctor, eyes wide with horror. My Mom looked down, tears filling her eyes. "I'm sorry sweetie," She said, grasping my hand tighter before pulling me into her arms "I'm so, so sorry." Her next words failed to reach my ears as the cries of agony and sorrow filled the night. My cries.

_Only Turmoil._


End file.
